I thought about him a lot this weekend. It wasn't in sadness or anger. If you look at the stages of grief, you could say that I have finally found the acceptance stage. I managed to sneak away to Fort Custer to visit his grave site. I started to freak out because I had remembered his grave number incorrectly. The panic that I felt really bothered me. I had lost my dad! Even though he is in my heart every day, I decided that I needed another visit to his resting place. Veteran's Day had a snowy mess going on and the weather was beautiful. When I finally found his grave, I thought about the panic and the fear of losing him. I could hear his voice in my head singing, "You are my sunshine" and I felt calm. Yeah, I took a photo so I wouldn't forget. I remembered 78 but kept thinking 278 and not 678. Never again!
I will miss him forever! He was my father and my best friend. I hear his voice in my head and I don't cry (as much) anymore. The anger has left me...and I am at peace. I know I alienated myself from many people during my grieving and there is no excuse for my actions. It is was it is and I handled my loss the only way I knew how. I am better now. I know I have an angel always looking out for me. We put his photo at the top of our Christmas tree. He is more than a Christmas Angel, he is our angel in heaven. On another note, I'm not as angry with God anymore. Oh, I still have issues but I understand, I think or at least I'm trying. I actually found myself praying the other day. It was the first time in a very long time. I now know that it may take a lifetime to heal from the loss but I don't have to be angry or sad and for that I am thankful to have finally figured that out.
I hope that all of my friends and extended family had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I hope that you all found what you needed to be thankful for and have found peace.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
The first photo in this post may be one of my all time favorites. It's my dad with my son (not long after brother bear was walking) going for a walk. This was taken about a year after his double lung transplant when he was in the peak of health. I LOVE THIS PHOTO! I am thankful for this memory that I managed to capture on film.