Yesterday I visited Fort Custer National Cemetery for the first time since Memorial Day. I knew I was going to drive past it on my way to a friend's house and I felt compelled to visit. I visited Dad's grave. I am really missing him lately. More so than normal. I know it's because this time last year I was helpless watching him die. I believe that I'm having a harder time now dealing with his death than I did last year. Maybe because it seemed so surreal back then. I was there to keep everything under control. I was so busy taking care of everyone else's feelings and needs that I didn't have time to grieve. Well...the reality has hit me now.
I thought if I visited his grave stone I would feel better...but I didn't. He's not there. Yes, his cremated remains are there but HE IS NOT THERE! I don't feel anything when I visit. He still resides in my heart and I can't let him go. I'm trying so hard but I can't separate myself from him. I find that I talk to him everywhere I go but I am still waiting for him to answer. When I stood there at Fort Custer I just felt empty...and sad.
It's not that he was just my father, maybe that would be easier for me. He was my best friend. I miss our daily, yes daily, phone calls. I miss his laugh and he odd sense of humor. I miss the comfort I felt as I talked to him. Nobody can ever replace him...nobody should ever try. My husband has been a wonderful support and has been super understanding but Dad just had a way of keeping me calm.
I'm finding that I don't like my own company. The more time I spend alone the more depressed I get. My mind just start working with thoughts that drive me into a frenzy of anxiety. All those years I turned to food for comfort....well, I can't do that anymore. I'm allergic to those foods. I know, I have to "Man Up" but that's easier said than done.
I wish I could find where Dad is. If he's not at the cemetery then where is he? I can't keep walking around with him in my heart because it hurts so much. My friend, Carla, gave us a Blue Spruce last year to plant here at the farm in memory of Dad. We planted it and we are waiting to find the right boulder to put the lovely plaque she had made by the stone. I look at the tree...he's not there. My sister had a voicemail on her phone for the longest time. She kept re-saving it. It was the final phone call she got from Dad when he still felt good. Hearing his voice...it makes me cry just thinking about it.
Well....I just needed to get that off my chest. After I left the cemetery I did go on to my friend's house and I spent a wonderful afternoon with friends which helped but I can't do that every day. I wish I could find peace with his death. I wish I could just let go. I just want the pain that my heart feels to ease. I need to move forward. I need to keep the memories of Dad as memories and just move on...but I can't.